Disaster Area

Grief and Healing - A Bishop's Perspective

A blog I latched onto a few months ago is that of Bishop Alan Wilson, the Bishop of Buckingham in the Diocese of Oxford in England. Bishop Alan does a wonderful job of just being a regular blogger, describing the life of a bishop in his diocese. He has a pretty decent sense of humour and can also get quite serious. On Sunday he posted a sermon he gave at a service for survivors of bereavement by suicide. I can hardly imagine how to approach such a subject, never mind do it with tact and grace, but he apparently does. His sermon is posted in full on his blog.

One might not think that there would be huge parallels with my situation, but really, there are certain characteristics of having someone taken from you suddenly that are universal. In the case of suicide, Bishop Alan writes:

I went to see Father Tom, my Roman Catholic colleague. He said to me,

"the hardest thing in some ways is to stop trying to renegotiate the outcome with the person we loved, and respect their decision. Only then can you leave God to sort out the big stuff."

Fr Tom’s wise words reflect another problem, tied up in being human. When somebody we love dies, there’s a powerful instinct find out why and fix responsibility. It quickly becomes a tortuous game of “if only...”

This is the one area that doesn't really apply to me, and I will admit I'm in a tiny minority of the bereaved here. In Sue's case, there was not really anything rational that would have indicated a problem. As such, it's really hard to point a finger at anyone or anything that would have helped or changed the course of what happened. In an odd way I'm grateful, because the "what if" or "if only" game is nothing but torture. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for the friends of relatives who are survivors of bereavement by suicide (an oddly tortured phrase, but appropriate).

My thanks to Bishop Alan for his kind, encouraging, compassionate sermon and for blogging his work so transparently. "If only" there were more bishops like him...

Six Months...

It was six months ago that Sue collapsed at work and I found out that there was no hope for her recovery. I have found through these last months that I have a phenomenal group of relatives, friends and workmates. These last few months have been a mixture of disbelief at what happened, gratitude for the time we had together, and looking ahead to what the future holds.

Thank you all for your wonderful support though this difficult time.

Grieving Well?

Over the past few weeks several hundred different people must have asked me, "How are you doing?"

My stock response is usually something like "OK, in the circumstances."

Several people close to me with counseling skills (so they have some skilled basis for the observation) tell me I'm doing very well. It certainly seems that way to me too, but I don't really have much to back it up. The other day, while through all the books and pamphlets on grieving that I got from Lifecenter, I got a sense of what grieving well looks like, based on an aggregate sense of what I was reading from this variety of sources. I was talking to my doctor yesterday and we got talking about how I'm doing beyond the physical ailment I came in to see him about. So I gave him the stock answer, and he forced me to elaborate a little. I did, and was able to satisfy him that I am doing well. Based on that conversation, and from my reading, I came up with the following checklist.

Grieving well

Physical

Are you taking care of yourself physically?

Are you keeping up with personal hygiene?

Showering, shaving, wearing clean clothes are all important to a feeling of well-being and personal value.

Are you able to cope without resorting to increased alcohol consumption or resorting to drugs (illegal or abusing prescription drugs)

Obviously a huge issue, and one where friends can be helpful in keeping an eye on you.

Are you keeping up with chores – laundry, dishes,. keeping the house tidy?

Nobody expects you to be Mr. Clean, but staying on top of things is important.

Do you have an idea what you want to do with the deceased’s belongings (clothes, jewelry, hobby materials)?

Getting rid of everything right away is unhealthy, as is the opposite – keeping absolutely everything. Take your time to decide what to do. A good option is decide what you absolutely want to keep, and allow the rest to go to family and friends if they want something, and send the rest to charity.

Emotional

Are you taking care of yourself emotionally?

Are you able to cry when you feel like it?

It’s good and healthy to cry when you need to.

Can you talk about the deceased, mention his/her name, tell stories?

Saying the deceased’s name out loud, in stories and reminiscences is healthy. It’s not unusual to have a problem with this for a short while, but if it persists then denial may be at unhealthy levels.

Do you have at least a couple of good friends you can rely on to just listen when you need to talk?

Related to the above question, it really helps to have a safe place to tell those stories or talk about what’s going on inside you. Some people don’t know what to say, but good friends won’t worry that they don’t have the right words, they will just be there for you.

Have you seen a professional counselor?

This one isn’t vital, but it never hurts to have somebody who is paid to listen and who will have an unbiased professional view of how you are doing.

Work

Are you able to go back to work and be productive?

When is the right time to go back to work?

There’s a fine line between going back too soon and too late. Too soon and you might be overwhelmed with how work life just rolls on as if nothing happened. Too late and you might never reintegrate back into work life – too much might have changed.

How supportive is your boss?

Bosses these days are usually sensitive to the needs of their employees (at least in larger companies with professional HR staff) in this situation and will generally allow you whatever time you need.

How supportive are your co-workers?

Supportive bosses and co-workers can make a huge difference. If you have even a few co-workers who are not afraid to let you talk about your loved one, and genuinely care about how you are doing, then you have good support. There will be co-workers who are uncomfortable around you, and who are afraid for the topic to come up and may avoid you as much as possible. Don’t worry about it, and don’t judge them for it – it’s probably the most common reaction. Instead, focus on those who are supportive and use them to help you through tough days (but don’t abuse the privilege.)

This is kind of a work in progress, and I sort of drifted from asking questions to providing advice, so I would be grateful if any of you have things to add or suggestions for changes. I'll work on editing it myself, too.

And my own response to the questions above is almost universally positive. And I am particularly blessed that in those categories that require supportive friends and co-wokers, I have an abundance.

Review: A Handbook for Widowers

I'm finally getting around to reading some of the material on grief and grieving sent by Lifecenter. One of the books is a slim tome entitled A Handbook for Widowers. I intended to skim it, but ended up reading all of it in about half an hour. I didn't agree with the critical tone of the one (two star) review on Amazon, so I just added  my own, and I'll post it here too:

This is not an in-depth treatise on grief for widowers, so the title may be a bit misleading. It's not a step by step guide with multiple options for how to deal with your grief. What it is is one man's account of how he dealt with the loss of his wife, sprinkled with mostly helpful suggestions.

Ames writes about the things he did poorly and the things he did well and invites his readers to avoid the mistakes he feels he made. Some sections are eminently practical and will no doubt help some men who just didn't see one thing or the other coming. The section on what to do with one's wife's belongings is especially useful, I think.

I think one of the biggest positives in the book is that Ames points ultimately to hope and the future. One of the positive things he mentions about being single (and yes, he is looking for the ray of hope amidst so much gloom and darkness) is this:

"If I did not before, I now know how precious life is; I must not forget that.I am more mindful, more aware of everything in my life - persons, things, actions, impulses. Now, not yesterday, not tomorrow, but now, in this moment."

Another thought I liked:

"One of the perils of grief is that it is so self-centered. An integral segment of your personal history has been wrenched from you, and you need time to allow the wound to heal. No one can predict the length of time your grief should take, but after a time, you need to get out of yourself and rejoin the world outside."

Well worth the brief time it takes to read it.

A Few Odds and Ends

The last couple of days in England I took a few photographs, then on the flight home we flew over Greenland, where there were some spectacular vistas. The moon was out, too. It can be difficult to capture the wide open views on camera, but they're worth posting anyway. So, here are some photos from the last couple of days of the trip.

On the trip from the Northeast to Manchester I took the scenic route across the north Pennines. I didn't get much of a chance to take pictures other than stopping in the various parking spots along the way, though. Pretty cold and windswept, but refreshing. And not very crowded.

And a view of the road:

And then on to Greenland:

And...

Top 10 Musical Influences #1 – Sarah McLachlan

It’s been over a year since I posted the last installment of my “Top Ten Musical Influences” posts, leaving the end hanging. The list has probably grown since then, but the artist at number one in my list is Sarah McLachlan. I had heard of her, but never heard her music much until a friend introduced me to her music in August 1998. By that time her seminal album, Fumbling Towards Ecstasy had been out for four years and Surfacing had been out for a little while. Sarah had also put together the first couple of years of the Lilith Fair festival tour at that point.

The friend loaned me a copy of the Canadian version of Sarah’s Possession single CD. It had two versions of the song on it – the standard album version and a souped-up hard rock version. They’re both good, but the rocked up version impressed me most, as I didn’t know any solo female artist who had produced something that aggressive. As I explored Fumbling and the back catalog of Sarah’s material, the first album, Touch, the second one, Solace and numerous single CDs, I was astounded at the depth and breadth of her songwriting and musical talent.

Brief Update

Well, it's been five days since I had internet access, thanks to a dearth of it in the Northeast and the fact that my brother's was out of action the last two days. I'm currently sitting in an internet booth in Philadelphia Airport, with about two hours to go before boarding my last flight back to Seattle. It's been a whirlwind two weeks, and I haven't spent more than two nights in a row in the same bed, so you can imagine the sleep deprivation. Twenty four hours on the road today won't help, although the transatlantic flight was marvelous, with stunning views of Greenland. I have photos, and will post some soon. Meanwhile, here's a highlight from last week. Not many people get to sit on the roof of King's College Chapel at Cambridge University (it helps to know a former King's College chaplain), especially with the moon out and the lighting just right:

Where is God...

...When It Hurts?

Philip Yancey's book was on Sue's dresser when she died. She had read as far as page 70 or so, but I suspect this may not have been the first time she had read it as it isn't a particularly new book and given her long term interest in hospice ministry. I decided I'd read it simply because Sue had been reading it, because Yancey is a good writer and because I thought it might help in the current circumstances. I'm not quite finished reading it, but it has been a fascinating and emotional read so far. Yancey wrote it originally in 1977 as a brash 28 year old (something he freely acknowledges in the 1990 updated edition).

The book focuses a lot on personal suffering, as one might expect, and Yancey does a marvelous job of covering a lot of ground. He frequently gets to the "Why me?" question, but every time admits that it's not a question that has an answer. He prefers to turn it into the "to what purpose?" question. So rather than look back and assign blame, he points out that the only fruitful approach is to explore what of use can be made form the situation. This can be quite difficult in, for instance, the case of the pretty 26 year old woman who finds she has ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease).

There are lots of people who say they can't believe in a God who would let these bad things happen. I won't even try to summarize Yancey's exploration of that point, except to say that bad things happen all the time to all kinds of people, and it is our response defines our faith, not the event itself. A phrase I have heard over and over again the past few weeks is that we have to play the hand we are dealt. At times it has sounded jarring, but I am coming to think it's a fair description of life. We don't control what happens to us, but we can control our response. If life seems unfair then it's because it is unfair. If it was totally fair then Harold Kushner's book, When Bad Things Happen to Good People would have been irrelevant, or at best a poor seller.

Yancey does a better job than Kushner (although I'll admit it's been a while since I read the latter). One might think it's because Yancey, being a Christian rather than a rabbi, has access to Christian concepts to help him, but it's not really just that.

Yancey starts out asking why there is pain in the world, then asks if pain is a message from God. Interestingly enough, he finds that pain is probably a gift from God rather than a punishment.

Section three explores how people respond to suffering, including a look at a couple of famous quadriplegics and the stories of some Holocaust survivors.

In part four, Yancey explores how we cope with pain, and examines four aspects of coping: dealing with fear and helplessness and finding meaning and hope in any given situation. This section has been a great help to me reading it the last couple of days. While my personal situation never involved physical pain, these chapters have helped me think about my situation in new ways.

I thoroughly recommend the book. Yancey is an engaging, thoughtful writer, and his evangelical roots don't get in the way too much for those of us not brought up in that tradition.

The Last Three Days

I haven't had much time to stop and write since before the memorial service here, so I'll fill you in on events so far.

The service was, in the words of many, lovely. The old church is drafty and cold and showing more than a few signs of wear, but none of that mattered on Saturday. The day was bright and clear, making it a bit on the bracing side outdoors. It wasn't much better indoors.

We were able to set up a photo display board and I put out the scrapbooks and photo album. I also put out the guest book from the US service and invited attendees to sign it under a new heading. Attendance was maybe a bit over fifty, most being relatives, with some old high school friends and a few of the local church leadership attending to provide overall  moral support and help with the tea and biscuits.

The officiant was the Rev Michael Taylor, the current rector (I believe). I was the only person to speak about Sue and the rector did a wonderful job of building on it to close out the homily. The service ran just over an hour and then we stayed another hour or more mingling and chatting over tea and biscuits. The photos and other display items were very much appreciated and perused in great detail by most people.

That evening we had a family get together. It was the first time the two families had met since Sue and I were married, which is a shame, as everyone got along very well.

Sunday I went to see two of my nieces play football (soccer to any US readers). It was a miserably cold, rainy day, so I passed on the second game. Later, I went over to spend the evening at my  college friend Ian's place, where we drank extremely strong lager and reminisced as we watched slides from our college days (when Ian, Sue and I all lived in the same lodgings) and Ian's visits to the US to see us. It actually snowed that night, but it was all gone the next morning. After a substantial English breakfast, Ian and I headed out to the The Olde Bear Inn at Alderwasley for lunch.

Back to Gary's for dinner time and an evening of visiting with relatives and we're up to date on the mechanics of things.

Quick Update

Trip from Philadelphia was awful. An hour before boarding, US Airways announced that the flight would be delayed due to mechanical problems (replacing a bleed valve.) Well, I'd much rather they get it right, but it ended up being three and a half hours late leaving, after a series of "we'll be done in 20 minutes" announcements. Worse, they decided to board us early so we would be ready to leave as soon as the work was finished and approved.

Now, you may not know, but I do, that the bleed valves are part of the air conditioning and cabin pressurization system. Which means, of course, that while they're working on the system the air conditioning must be off. Nice... Must have been 100 deg F in there, so we all just tried not to move much. Not that it was much of an option anyway.

Also, US Airways chose an in flight entertainment system that requires a massive box for every seat that they chose to put under the seats - thereby taking away half the foot room from every passeneger over 5' 4" roughly. Didn't affect the lady next to me, but it sure messed up my posture options.

Anyway, arrived safely in the end and spent a night at my brother's house in Cheshire, not too far from the airport. Off to Nottingham later this morning, where my in-laws and I will no doubt spend a frantic half day getting things ready for the memorial service tomorrow.

My friend Dave (other Dave) wrote a song for Sue, which he has posted up on a song website. You can check it out here: http://www.steadfastsongs.com/SongforSusan.mp3

Well, not sure how much I'll be able to keep up the next few days, but I'll try.